One Lesson
by skywolf666
Summary: The lesson that Raine Sage had never dreamt of trying to teach was now on her plate, and in front of her were teenagers that she'd hoped she wouldn't need to lecture. Dreamt up during a crazy chat between two fangirls, beware. Yes, I went there. Sex Ed.


**AN: Yes, I went there. So this is gonna take place before making the pact with Luna and Aska (yay for Palmacosta still being around by then). Don't ask me where it came from, it was a very long and very whacked out talk I had with a friend that magically transformed into a "Raine should teach the kids about sex!" oneshot. You have permission to shoot me **_**after**_** the oneshot is over. XD**

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"Um, Professor Sage, what exactly are we doing back in the classroom? Don't we have more important things to do than sit around learning schoolwork?" Lloyd questioned hesitantly, only to receive a deadly glare from his half-elven teacher from the front of the Palmacosta classroom.

He glanced to his left to see Colette sitting up straight and eagerly, wearing a broad smile, looking so excited she could have been hovering. Sheena had found a place for herself in the far back corner, seeming to be quite content to be at the back of the classroom by herself, staring listlessly out the window to the ocean. Genis was staring tiredly at the blackboard, resting his chin in his hands, resolutely ignoring the excited jabbering from the redheaded Chosen sitting beside him.

"Regal and I both had a long talk and decided that one lesson is desperately needed for you before we continue on to the Tower of Mana." Raine explained as calmly as possible, though she could feel the heat of a blush making its way up her neck to settle into her face. Though the conversation had been a purely logical one, the half-elf still couldn't help but feel extremely embarrassed as she faced the group of teenagers in front of her. "So, uh... That is why we're here."

"A lesson, Raine?" Genis questioned, raising both eyebrows and sitting up a little straighter. His older sister turned an attractive shade of pink at his question, and he raised his eyebrows even higher in confusion. She made a strong habit of controlling her emotions, and it was rare to see her become so flustered. "What's it about?"

Even Zelos had noticed her awkwardness and grew intrigued, stopping mid-word in his one-sided conversation with Genis. Regal, standing a few feet on the left of the professor, had been silent for the entire time, though he too was looking hot under the collar as well. "Hey Regal, so if you and Her Highness talked about it, what exactly's this lesson about and why am I here?"

"While I do not doubt that you have already learned this particular... er, _lesson_, it would be helpful to have you here to possibly explain the..." Regal faltered, coughing a few times to clear his throat as the flush raised even higher in his face in response to his nerves. Raine, on his right, looked as though she had just swallowed a live fire, and he took it upon himself to continue, "It would be best to have you here anyway for perhaps a review."

"A review...?" Zelos repeated with a curious look, glancing from the red-faced professor to the awkward duke at the front of the classroom. Putting two and two together, his mouth popped open and his eyes widened in realization. Then he started to laugh until his entire body shook, and putting his head on his arms, he catcalled, "Oh you have got to be _kidding _me! You're going to teach them about the birds and the bees?!"

Sheena, who had been busy staring out the window, started when she heard Zelos' loud and raucous exclamation. Her knee banging loudly off of the desk, the ninja uttered a foreign curse as she gripped her injured bone, exclaiming as her face grew hot, "R-Raine! I-I-I don't need a lesson on _that_, don't make me sit through this, I'm begging you!"

"What is wrong Sheena? Why does this topic bother you?" Presea asked curiously, having been sitting at the opposite corner with little interest whatsoever. Sheena had transformed into a stammering mess while Zelos was still laughing, the other three seemed entirely mystified by the violent reactions from the older members of the group. Glancing at the very red Raine, she tilted her head to the side and continued somewhat questioningly, "Biology is not embarrassing..."

At this Zelos' laughter grew even louder, he was on the verge of falling out of his chair and onto the floor as his entire body began to convulse. Sheena was saying nothing, hiding her face and murmuring what very well could have been an old prayer to her gods. Lloyd, confused, glanced to Genis with wide questioning eyes, only to receive a confused shrug from the young mage. When he looked to Colette, she just shook her head and mouthed the words, 'I don't know either.', to the young twin swordsman.

"Ah, Presea, we won't be studying biology... At least not the type you are thinking of." Raine tried to explain, barely able to get her voice above the din of Zelos' crazed laughter. Presea looked even more confused, which only worsened her embarrassment, and the professor looked helplessly at the slightly amused Regal. "Help me over here!"

"You're the professor." Regal managed, raising his hands over his mouth to attempt to disguise the grin that was spreading across his face. Though he honestly wasn't very pleased with having to help teach the lesson, he had to admit the reactions from his soon-to-be students was very amusing. Raine gave him a deadly look that promised extreme violence, and coughing a few more times to cover his chuckles, the duke straightened and announced, "Whether or not you know or do not know what this talk will be about, you are all required to sit and take the lesson, understood?"

"Alright..." Lloyd shrugged a little, mildly confused as he looked around at the still blushing Sheena, laughing Zelos and startled Presea. Though he was lost, which was to be expected, he was intrigued by what sort of subject would bring about such extreme reactions from his friends.

"Okay Professor Sage!" Colette piped up cheerfully, ignoring her confusion and focussing on her excitement to finally do something normal. It had been too long since she had enjoyed a lesson from her professor, and even though she doubted she would truly understand everything, she still was pleased to be back to a somewhat expected routine.

"Uh... Sure, Raine..." Genis shrugged, settling back into his chair with a bit of a resigned sigh as he glanced around the nearly empty classroom. Sheena was busy trying to pick the lock off of the window beside her, as though she was intent on escaping by any means necessary and he couldn't help but call over, "Uh Sheena, I don't think that window opens..."

"Shut up, I'm not staying for this!" Sheena yelled at the young mage, grunting under her breath as she tried to move the lock to no avail. Turning her head, blushing crimson and growing desperate, she called to the front of the room to Raine, "Please don't make me stay, I know all I need to know about this! Have mercy Raine!"

"I'm sorry Sheena, but I need to be sure about all of you, especially considering..." Raine drifted off though her eyes had ventured to Lloyd out of habit and for a subtle signal to the ninja. The aforementioned teenager looked as though she had been shocked by Volt himself, and steam could have poured from her ears as she began to stammer again. Interrupting the dark-haired ninja before she had a chance to try and wheedle her way out of the classroom, Raine continued as patiently as she could, "Just bear with me, please? It shouldn't take very long... I hope."

Zelos, who had finally regained control of himself, grinned back at the very flustered summoner and exclaimed cheerfully, "C'mon Sheena, it's not that bad. Besides, we could always show an example to the kids, you and me would be able to do a very good walkthrough." Waggling his eyebrows suggestively, he opened his mouth to continue. The sound of something hissing through the air should have alerted him that he'd gone too far, but he didn't have a chance before a iron hard piece of paper slapped angrily against his face and glued his lips together.

Genis burst out laughing at the properly shocked expression Zelos wore as he began to try and tear at the seal the paper made over his mouth, glancing back at the slightly appeased Sheena in the back corner. The seal had effectively shut up the redheaded Chosen and drawn the shocked gaze of Colette. She got up to go to his aid, but Genis placed his hand on her shoulder and assured her though his laughter, "It's okay, it's just to make him stop teasing Sheena for a little. He'll be fine, don't worry."

"Will he?" Colette directed the question to Sheena her eyes wide and scared as she glanced from the struggling Zelos and the slightly smug looking Sheena. When the teenager just nodded, she settled with a bit of a smile and returned to her seat and gazed up at the quietly conversing Raine and Regal. While she was sure the others couldn't hear them, her ears were keen enough to pick up every single word as if the two were yelling.

"You teach it."

Regal's eyes widened, her voice was flat and serious, with no hint of laughter in it at all. He knew immediately that she wasn't going to even try to begin the lesson if she could help it, and he knew all of her reasons also. While her reasons were all completely legitimate, he had a hard time even trying to convince himself that he wanted to attempt to take her place. "Uh... R-Raine, I don't believe that would be particularly beneficial for anyone involved..."

"Are you telling me that you don't possess enough experience to be a useful teacher?" While the meaning of her words were lost on the eavesdropping Colette, it seemed to register rather painfully with Regal, who stood up even straighter and turned a wild shade of cherry. Her teacher wore an oddly sinister smile, and asked again calmly, "Come now Regal... I can't do this."

"Are you telling me that you do not possess the necessary experience?" Regal questioned with some surprise, and this time it was Raine's turn to blush an attractive pink shade. A strange smile gracing the duke's face, he nodded towards the classroom and said somewhat sadly, "Fine, I see where it is... We will both teach this class then."

"Ughn... This is one lesson I do _not_ wish to teach." Raine groaned under her breath before turning back to face the chaotic three-quarter empty classroom. Zelos was still struggling with the seal over his mouth, hollering muffled curses into the tight paper while Sheena giggled along with Lloyd in the corner. Presea, still confused, was questioning Genis as though he was a criminal, the poor boy so red from embarrassment that his stammering seemed like a totally different language. She coughed loudly to get their attention, and as soon as Sheena realized that the lesson was to begin, she all but shoved the twin swordsman away from her and went back to fiddling with the locked window. "Alright... We should begin."

"Um, Professor Sage, what is this lesson about anyway?" Colette piped up, earning a loud groan from Sheena and muffled laughter from the muzzled Chosen sitting behind her.

"Today you all will be learning about the birds and the bees." Raine began nervously, coughing loudly to clear her throat as Zelos began to laugh as hysterically as he could considering that his mouth was sealed off. Presea almost immediately had her small hand in the air, her question written plainly on her face while Genis sat at attention beside her. Waving her hand, the professor looked hopelessly at Regal, very unsure of what she should even say to begin her explanation.

"Ah, yes Presea, I understand that you are confused when we don't actually mean the biological lesson of birds and bees..." Regal began as awkwardly as Raine had, watching as Zelos nearly fell off of his chair, clearly so amused that he was having trouble breathing through just his nose. "Erm... S-So, I suppose what I should tell you is that, our, uh, lesson, is not actually about the 'birds and the bees', per say."

"No shit." Sheena cursed under her breath in a stage whisper, drawing the startled gazes of Lloyd, Presea and Colette. Shaking her head, she slumped down into her seat as though she could disappear if she slouched enough. Grumbling softly, she called up to the two adults, "Can we just get on with this? I don't want to be trapped in here with him for any longer than I have to!"

Raine, smiling a little as she guessed which 'him' the young ninja actually meant, tried to calm herself enough so she wouldn't burst into nervous laughter. She felt utterly foolish, she was a scholar and the subject of sex was nothing that she did not know of. However, her motherly instincts that had always been active around the younger members of her group had given rise to a new awkwardness for their 'innocence'. 'This is ridiculous... None of this is something to become embarrassed about, it is a natural human behaviour...'

As she watched Zelos roll around on the floor, laughing and clawing at the seal at the same time, she fought an exhausted sigh. 'I almost want him to teach this lesson, I don't think I can do this...' Taking in a deep breath, the professor looked at her students and announced, "Today you will all be learning about sex and the mechanics of male and female biology."

The classroom erupted. Lloyd had fallen right off of his chair in complete alarm, while Genis leapt away from Presea as though she'd caught on fire. Sheena had hidden her face in her arms with a loud groan as Colette squeaked aloud. Zelos, finally free of the seal on his mouth, was laughing with anew hilarity that echoed over the din of everyone else's shocked shouting and clamouring.

Raine, her expression completely flat, turned to the chuckling Regal and gestured to the mess of a classroom full of embarrassed teenagers. Her voice somewhat sardonic and sarcastic even as Regal tried to control himself from chuckling too loud, she muttered, "Your turn. They're _all_ yours, Mr Bryant"

**AN**

**.... (hides behind a bulletproof sheet of glass, laughing maniacally) XD It's not that funny, I know, and there's absolutely no actually information besides the innuendoes, but hell, I couldn't make myself do a full length lesson without laughing so hard that I fell off of my chair. (I do make a habit of that, my bruised ass is all the proof you need, lol) Yes I know it's not all that funny, but I was giggling the entire time anyway... Heheh. **

**My apologies for the wait from Jealousy btw, I know you're all getting impatient with me. I'm nearly done the next chapter (it's the longest one so far), and the last chapter is already fully planned and ready to be written. I promise the wait will only be two more days, tops. I'm sorry again!**

**Sky**


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